This Baby

I feel like I've seriously neglected this pregnancy.  Not that I have done anything wrong or intentionally "bypassed" the fact that I am pregnant.  It's just been different.

Totally different.

Let's start at the obvious.  I think this is easiest to do in list form:

Then, there's the not-so-obvious that I try to hide everyday.  I don't like talking about negative things or dwelling on the past.  My friend and "spiritual guider", Kinze, tells me a blog should be not only informative for others, but also therapeutic for myself.  So therapy 101: I've been sad.  My family dealt with the biggest, most traumatic, and saddest event we've ever had to deal with.  I'm still healing with them.  It's tough and I feel terribly lonely at times, but I'm working on it.  This poor baby I'm carrying has had to deal with it's momma's emotional roller coaster for the last 5 months - and it's been a ride.  But like any roller coaster: sometimes you just have to hold on and hope you don't puke.  I'm just so thankful God has been there to really lift me up and make sure this baby survived and has stayed healthy through it all.  I honestly had to stop myself (and my parents/brother Matt have done a great job of reminding me) and say, "Liz.... calm down.  You have a baby inside."  I think maybe this little one is what has kept me calm and helped me stay grounded.  Right now it needs me to stay calm.... and quite frankly - it's what has held me together.

This baby is special.  I love it already so much.  But there are times when I think, 'How on earth am I going to love it as much as I love Bianca?  How can I possibly split my love?'  But many moms have told me - my love does not "split" - it merely doubles.  Impossible, I swear.  But I can't wait.

I can't wait to hold that slippery little body and see if it has hair on it's sweet little head.  I can't wait to look into it's sweet little face and tell it "Hello, I'm your mommy and this is your daddy."  I can't wait to see who it looks like.  The first thing I said after meeting Bianca for the first time was (turning to look at Derek with tears pouring down my cheek), "SHE LOOKS LIKE YOU!"  He smiled so big and was so proud.  She really did look just like her daddy right away.

And the other day Derek did the cutest thing.  He said, "Can I show you something?"  He took my hand and led me over to the framed ultrasound picture of Baby #2 we have in our kitchen.  He said, "I think it really does look like me already.  The shape of this baby's head is just like mine."  Oh.... he knows how to push my buttons!

But looks and traits and body types and hair and gender.... all just "things."  I just hope this baby is healthy as can be.  I hope and pray every night, "God, please help me to raise good, Christian children.  The way You want children to be raised.  Help them to be good people."

That's really all I want.